Chapter 31

Netra slept straight through until early evening, when she gasped suddenly and clawed her way back to wakefulness.

“It’s okay, Netra. It’s okay, now.”

Cara’s hands were cool and soft. She stroked Netra’s hair back from her face.

“No. It’s not okay,” Netra replied.  Everything was far from okay.

“How do you feel?” Cara asked.

“Raw. Sore.” The side of her face hurt where she’d gotten scratched during her flight. Her whole body felt like one big bruise. But the worst hurts were on the inside. She kept hearing Gerath’s scream. Kept seeing that thing coming for her. In her sleep she had run from it over and over.

Cara drew her robe closer about her and shivered. “You were feverish for a while.”

Netra nodded, and realized her neck hurt too. The clawed tip of her sonkrill was digging into her hand from gripping it too tightly and she forced herself to let go.

A tear slid down Cara’s face. “I’ve been praying for you the whole day.”

For once her tears didn’t annoy Netra. Her friend’s obvious concern made her own eyes well up in response. “Now look what you’ve done,” she said, trying to smile, afraid to cry, afraid she wouldn’t be able to stop.

“I was so worried. I must have had Karyn in here six times to look at you. The last time I couldn’t find her. I think she’s hiding from me.”

Now Netra did smile, and it felt good.  She squeezed Cara’s hand. “How is everyone else?” Cara’s eyes showed her puzzlement. “I mean, how are they handling it? Probably building barricades at all the doors, right?” She tried to laugh at her own joke and saw again the monster moving the boulder. Barricades wouldn’t do any good when it found them.

“Oh, they’re all right. We all are. Siena and Brelisha talked to us for a while and explained how unlikely it was the Guardian would come here.”

Netra bolted upright in bed, causing every muscle and bone to cry out in protest. “That was a Guardian?!”

Cara’s hands fluttered around her and her pretty face crumpled. “I’m sorry, Netra. I forgot you were asleep when Brelisha told us that was what it was. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“A Guardian?” Netra still couldn’t quite accept it. Guardians were Melekath’s chief minions, his most fearsome demons. They were the worst nightmares of the Book come to life. She had never guessed that that was what that thing was.

“But they explained to us that there was no reason to think it would ever come here after us,” Cara said. “After all, you got away from it and that was a long way from here.”

“They told you what? But that thing said—” Abruptly Netra broke off. Cara’s eyes were widening in alarm and she suddenly realized that the two older Tenders had kept some things to themselves, and why they had done so.

“It spoke to you?” Cara’s hand hovered by her mouth. “What did it say?”

“Nothing,” Netra said. They were right, of course. There was nothing to be gained by scaring everyone to death. Especially since there wasn’t a single thing any of them could do to stop the thing anyway, or even escape from it if it came here.

Except me. I hid from it once. Would I be able to do it again?

The problem was that she wasn’t sure she’d be able to repeat what she’d done. She wasn’t even sure how she’d done it in the first place.

“I have to get up.”

“But shouldn’t you be staying in bed? At least until Karyn has a look at you?”

Netra made herself smile and touched her friend’s arm. “How about we go find Karyn together and see what she thinks?” Cara still looked unsure so Netra said, “I’m okay, really. I’m made of strong stuff, remember?”

“You are,” Cara replied.

She helped Netra up, but after Netra was standing she didn’t let go of her arm. Netra walked a few steps and when Cara still didn’t let go of her arm she pulled away gently and said, “Really, I’m okay.”

The others were in the common room, sitting at the long dining table. They stopped talking and everyone stared at Netra. She felt like a winged pig, some oddity that no one had ever seen before. She wondered if she threw her arms up and yelled “Boo!” if they would all run out of the room.

“Here,” Bronwyn said, getting up and pulling a chair out for her. “What can I get for you?” Three people reached for the stewpot at the same time and Donae started pouring her a mug of water.

“I’m okay,” Netra insisted, feeling very uncomfortable under all the attention. Couldn’t they see that what she needed now was to be left alone? “I’m really not even hungry.”

“But you have to eat!” Donae insisted, her voice a little too shrill. “You have to keep up your strength!”

“Later,” Netra insisted, gently removing Cara’s hand, which had once again attached to her arm. “I promise.” She eyed the door leading to Siena’s quarters. “I think I’m going to go talk to Siena for a little while first.”

“An excellent idea,” Brelisha declared, setting her spoon down. She stood up. “I’ll come with you.”

“But I’d really rather talk to her alone,” Netra protested.

“We have matters to discuss,” Brelisha said firmly, giving her a look that spoke volumes. She knew more than everyone else, but not as much as she intended to. Netra knew there was no point in arguing further. Not when Brelisha was like this. She held the door open for Netra and then pulled it shut behind them.

“You have your sonkrill with you right now, don’t you?” Brelisha asked, as soon as they were alone.

“Of course. I always do.”

“Good. You have some explaining to do.”

“You know, don’t you?”

Brelisha stopped and turned to face her. “I know you can go beyond.”

“I was going to tell you.”

“When?”

“Soon. I don’t know.”

“How soon?”

“I don’t know! You would have just given me a bunch of boring exercises to do. It’s special to me. I don’t want it ruined.”

“Those ‘boring exercises’ are vital. Going beyond is not some kind of game. It’s dangerous in there and without the proper guidance you could become lost or hurt yourself or worse.”

“I know,” Netra said, the steam going out of her suddenly. “I was going to tell you,” she repeated.

“Netra,” Brelisha said, her voice faltering for a moment in a way that surprised Netra. “You must believe me that everything I’ve done has been for your own good. If I’ve pushed you hard it’s because I see how much potential you have. The Mother has blessed you with gifts that…that are very special. If you only knew how much…” She looked away, and Netra never would have guessed what came next. Brelisha’s next words were nearly inaudible. They were broken, dredged up from some nether region of Brelisha’s heart.

“How much I envy you. I have worked so hard for so many years for things that just come naturally to you.”

Netra stared at her. “I never…I’m sorry…” She glimpsed briefly the full depths of how selfish and immature she was.

“I don’t want your apology. I only want your promise that you won’t throw away what the Mother has given you.”

Netra nodded slowly. “I won’t. I promise.”

Brelisha stared hard at her, judging the depths of her sincerity. “Good,” she said at last, taking Netra’s arm and steering her down the hall again. “Now I want some answers.”

Siena was waiting for them, sitting at her desk, an odd, tentative look on her face. She gave Netra a hug as soon as she came in and stared deeply into her eyes. Netra felt things welling up inside her again, too much, too fast, and she pulled away.

“Tell me everything,” Brelisha said. “Everything.”

So Netra did. She sat down on one of the room’s two extra chairs and told them how when she touched her sonkrill she went beyond, how she saw the glowing figure of a rock lion.

“Wait,” Brelisha said, sitting down in one of the other chairs. “You saw your spirit guide beyond?”

“I did.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.” Was she though, really? She could have imagined it.

“You told Siena that your spirit guide helped you hide from the Guardian.”

“Well…I’m not sure that it helped me. Not exactly. It was more like it helped me be calm and that was when I had an idea.”

Both women were staring at her raptly. “What sort of idea?” Brelisha asked. The intensity in her gaze was a little unnerving.

“It was something you taught us, about how the old Tenders could concentrate their Selfsong in their hands and then they could take hold of flows of Song.”

“You took hold of a flow?” Brelisha looked like she was ready to choke.

“I did. The one attached to my akirma.”

“Then what did you do?” Siena asked.

“I ripped it off.”

They stared at her. They stared at each other. “But…how come you’re still alive?” Siena finally asked. “People can’t survive cut off from Song.”

“I put it back.”

“That’s…incredible,” Siena said. “It’s been a thousand years at least since a Tender could do that.”

Brelisha looked suspicious. “Hmm.”

Siena turned on her. “You don’t believe her? You think she’s lying to us?”

“I don’t think she’s lying to us. But I do think that she nearly died and under that kind of extreme stress people imagine all sorts of things.”

“Which doesn’t explain how she hid from the Guardian.”

Netra felt strange sitting there, listening to them talk about her like she wasn’t there, but she kept her mouth shut. She wasn’t sure she knew what happened either.

“No, it doesn’t,” Brelisha replied. “But there may be other, more prosaic, explanations for her survival.”

“Such as?”

“Maybe its eyesight is poor. Maybe it was simply unable to find her. Or maybe Tharn wanted her to live, to return here.”

“Why on earth would it want that?”

Brelisha shrugged. “We have no way of knowing that. Remember, this is a creature completely alien to us, with motives we can’t possibly understand. It might have been following some order given by its master, an order designed to accomplish a deeper purpose that we know nothing about.”

Siena sat there for a minute without replying. Then she said, “You choose your explanation, Brelisha. I will choose mine.” She pulled her chair closer and took Netra’s hands in hers. “I choose to believe you survived because it is the will of Xochitl. The Mother favors you and has chosen you for an important role in the war to come.”

“Be careful, Siena,” Brelisha warned. “You fill her head with such thoughts but you have no idea what the consequences may be.”

“I don’t care,” Siena replied. “I see this as a message of hope. Xochitl will return to face Melekath and she wishes for the Tenders to help her. We finally have a chance to redeem ourselves in her eyes.”

Netra hardly heard her. Her head was still spinning from her earlier words. Was it as Siena said? Had the Mother really chosen her? A strange thrill went through her, accompanied by a sense of dread. She had a faint intimation that being special might become a terrible burden, one big enough to crush her beneath it.

“I’m not dead. I desire hope as well,” Brelisha said. “But we have been long in darkness and I fear it has not lifted yet.”

“Why not just say it, Brelisha?”

“Say what?”

“That you are afraid to hope. That you can’t bear the thought of hoping and then finding out you were wrong.”

Netra gave Siena a startled look. This didn’t sound like her at all. She was normally so conciliatory.

“Maybe you’re right.”

Now it was Brelisha who surprised her. When had she ever absorbed such pointed words and not retaliated? Brelisha seemed very small and frail suddenly, sitting in her chair with her head down.

“I hope you are,” Brelisha added.

“I think it is time we go to Nelton,” Siena said. “We need to reach out to the Haven there and share information. If the Tenders are to aid Xochitl in what is to come, we need to stand together.”

Some of the fire returned to Brelisha then. “After what happened in Treeside you would risk another life for what might be nothing?”

“No, I wouldn’t. That’s why I’m going.”

“And I’ll come with you,” Netra said instantly.

“Out of the question,” Brelisha replied. “You need to rest up and you and I have much to discuss. You need to learn—”

Netra cut her off. “I’m going whether you agree or not.”

Brelisha flared at her challenge. “You will not talk to me like that, young woman.”

“How do you want me to talk to you? Like a child? Is that it? Because I’m not a child anymore. Is it that you’re trying to protect me? Because I’ve experienced more than any Tender has in a thousand years. Or is it that you want to control me because you’re jealous of what I can do?”

As soon as Netra said the last words, she wished she could have them back. She saw how they pierced Brelisha and sorrow struck her.

“I’m sorry, Brelisha. I just…”

Brelisha waved her off and stood. “It is of no importance.” She headed for the door. “Do what you want to do. It is what you have always done anyway.”

Then Netra and Siena were left there alone together. Netra gave Siena a rueful look. “I’m an idiot.”

“What you are is impulsive. But you’re also right. You’re not a child and these are not normal times.” She leaned over and squeezed Netra’s arm. “The truth is that I wanted to ask you to come with me anyway.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings.”

“Brelisha will be all right. She’s just upset right now. We’re all upset. It’s enough to make us all do things we regret.”

Netra sighed. “It’s just that I can’t sit around here right now. If I do, I’m just going to keep reliving that awful scene over and over. I need to move. I need to do something.”

“What you should do right now is get some rest. I want to leave first thing in the morning.”

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